Ordinary

My brain functions weirdly. It screams out when i can't.
 
Good screaming. Loud screaming. Angry screaming
Nirvana kinda screaming.. Wrestle Mania kinda screaming.. Stock market screaming.. 
 
My screaming is not anything psychological or medical just to make sure you know. It gives me that calm that maybe a pothead gets from weed or an alcoholic gets from booze. 

My brain just lashes out and this pain erupts inside. My blood boils and i look away and cry. The adrenaline never gets me to the flight or fight response. Instead, it just gathers in my head. Slowly but surely suffocating every bad cell inside until i'm clean. And i can start over. 

It takes 7 years for your body to replace each cell. And i guess at almost 19 i dont think i can say that I've been cleansed well. The next ones in 2 years. I guess i just need to wait it out.

Sometimes i just dont want to be strong enough to deal with the stuff that makes me want to scream inside.. Because it doesnt make me ordinary. My brain wants to be ordinary at times and not be so mature. I wish i could take it out but for the sake of the people i love, i plaster a smile on my face and go on with whatever life's plan is. Trying to be strong when im not kills me. This tough girl image cant be broken now. I have to be strong because if im not strong, life is gonna screw me over and move on.

In the sacred words of The Killers, 'Its only natural'. 

Isnt it?

See you never, CIE!

GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE CIE!

I didnt think getting my results would feel so awesome. I feel grown up. Now anyone and everyone stuck in the CIE phase seems like a kid. Friend from a grade below seems like a child. I have unleashed the college spirit inside my self. 

And i feel fucking awesome.
I feel like Fawkes from Harry Potter. New life. Reborn.

Life's good. Its good-er when you cant believe it yourself.. And its good-est when the first people to congratulate you are those who never believed in you.

Reality.

The past year and a half has been wonderful for me. I had made a promise to myself to regain everything that i had lost. My self-esteem, friends, my sisters love and most of all my parents' trust. And as i stand here today, i feel like all the progress I've made has gone to waste.

I never understood how i got to the point where my honesty would be doubted. But as with all things, it happened in a flash. Remembering it is always like looking through a kaleidoscope. Every turn and every angle of new light causes the reality to change.

The guilt eats you up even when you're not wrong. And because you've wronged the people you love before, your apologies and honestly mean nothing now. Life falls into place eventually, but never does the love come back the way it was. 

I cant help but think that the next 4 years I will be the only one controlling my life and yet I wont be in control. Even though my kaleidoscope will have new colors but a few old ones will always catch a light and look the same as before. 

Reality is only reality when you shut yourself to the prospects of parallels. Every reality is different. Its just a matter of how i want to look at mine at this point in time.

But nothing would ever be the same as before. 

Not me, not them and definitely not my reality.