The all nighters have begun.

Pakorey.

Its been raining every hour since the past two days. I see it from the tall windows right across the room from my throne in the library. 

Security guards see me walk in early in the morning and new ones see me leave late at night. I dont even think they wonder about the timings. Everyones living at the library. They know the drill.


I take a break, i hang out with new people everyday, i wait for my brain to wake up, i smoke, grab a french vanilla from timmys on campus if it isnt too late.

And then I crave.

All i need now is chai with pakoras. And if my stars are aligned right may be my mom would bring jalebis and samosas on her way home.

But i forget.

Trois ans de plus de la torture dans les régions glacées du nord de l'Amérique.

Sigh.

Snow in Disguise

Ive been borrowing one book from the library all of the past month. Its the only one that NO bookstore in Montreal has. Its a Canadian Edition, and you know how they roll. (I actually dont know what their deal is man. Like seriously.)


So i wake up, go to the library, stay there for an hour, eat on campus, issue it and study. Until 3. When a loophole lets me keep a course reserve till 11 am next morning. So i issue it at 3 and go home. And i rush to campus at 11 am and repeat.


Yesterday, i couldn't. I checked back since the moment it was due back till the borrowing closed. The person who had borrowed probably payed some crazy ass fine on that book now. But i simply could not get the book. And there has never been a day where i couldnt borrow this book. 


And then from 2.44 to 7.16 am, I witnessed my first snowfall. 


I ran out in my flip-flops and pajamas. I welcomed winter with uncovered arms and feet. And the smile on my face, when those tiny flecks metled on my skin, was the only warmth i had. But it was enough. Enough to pull me through the minus 8 of Montreal snowy night. 


God didnt want me studying and sleeping early so i could return my book because he wanted me to see the first snow fall of my life.


He works in mysterious ways. Ones that never fail to amaze me.

College life. Y u no b easy?

Im sitting at the library. Choosing to write about how i dont have a topic to write about rather than finding a topic to write about and not write about not having a topic to write about and writing on that topic.


So exactly how does one decide on a topic out of a gazillion? With about like a billion books published on everything that socio has to offer.. Im stuck reading a book that would be easy for my sister to even understand. Who by the way is 14 and is not at all a socio person. But im here without a clue how to stretch a topic over 10 pages with 4 "scholarly"* references. 


*Who is not a scholar these days? 
Amir Liaquat called himself a scholar. Look where that got him :P

Bold and Beautiful.

I got whispered at in the elevator by a man really politely that i should wear that shirt with dress pants, it would accentuate my gorgeous lower body. Never had i known what accentuating the lower body meant, but when i did try it on. Oh man. I knew what accentuating my lower body meant. And also, that someone as fat as me could even have a gorgeous lower body. I mean seriously. I've never thought twice about putting clothes on. And i think i've used accentuate enough.

Effeminate men made me uncomfortable.


I would put them in the same category as aunties at weddings with their plates full, big upper bodies coming to hug (read: suffocate) you and when i have to go to the "ladies room" and there are another 10 girls already there not wanting to use it for its actual purpose but to stare and glare...


This isnt a bitching or anything discriminatory but its just a thought.


Maybe i used to get so uncomfortable is because it wasnt so common in my society, then the issue of a language barrier (the one i face with most girls) and then just seeing them do their thing.


I see my prez strutting down the caf stairs and i say to myself, man, that guy really has some guts. I would never be able to be that confident and showing the world who i really am. He's bold. He's daring. And he's actually not full of himself. By far, at my rez, he has been the most welcoming and warm person ive met. 


Now, i look at effeminate men and i see a way for me to be bolder. Believe it or not, its just really overwhelming to see them carrying themselves off better than most women. Their sense of style, talk and most of all their elegance. 

Strange

So this space has been neglected since a few months.. The guilt does come up at times when i read other blogs but then I quickly log off so that the urge to write about two months of my life goes away. But i think the whole caught up in a new country and in a city that only predominantly communicates in French and then getting here a month late with midterms is a valid excuse to be away. 


Not justifying leaving my baby here. But you get what im saying right? 


Its been tough. The cold, the newness and then the readings. I miss home. I miss the system and most of all.. I miss the dependency. Its just so unnerving to like not being able to call the car when my class gets done..


Actually, what am i saying? 


I love it. 


What i love the most is the fact that i can actually be who i want to be and whenever i want to be. College is a funny place. Nobody looks at what you're wearing, whether you've had time to brush your hair before class or what music is blasting from your headphone to or how tall your coffee mug is when your face clearly shows no sleep for days. 


I can wear my flashy wayfarers and t-shirts with bands i dont even listen and to be a hipster one day or i can boot-up and catwalk my way into class or on some early days just sneak into class quietly with my pajamas. 


And trust me, its actually relieving to know that nobody would stare. 


Montreals my home now. Whether it be minus 30 or sunny like it was today. Although i cant wait to go back. This feels like mine. 


Ive missed you, bloggy. I'll be back soon. 
A LOT NEEDS TO BE TOLD TO YOU.


Love
Anam

Ordinary

My brain functions weirdly. It screams out when i can't.
 
Good screaming. Loud screaming. Angry screaming
Nirvana kinda screaming.. Wrestle Mania kinda screaming.. Stock market screaming.. 
 
My screaming is not anything psychological or medical just to make sure you know. It gives me that calm that maybe a pothead gets from weed or an alcoholic gets from booze. 

My brain just lashes out and this pain erupts inside. My blood boils and i look away and cry. The adrenaline never gets me to the flight or fight response. Instead, it just gathers in my head. Slowly but surely suffocating every bad cell inside until i'm clean. And i can start over. 

It takes 7 years for your body to replace each cell. And i guess at almost 19 i dont think i can say that I've been cleansed well. The next ones in 2 years. I guess i just need to wait it out.

Sometimes i just dont want to be strong enough to deal with the stuff that makes me want to scream inside.. Because it doesnt make me ordinary. My brain wants to be ordinary at times and not be so mature. I wish i could take it out but for the sake of the people i love, i plaster a smile on my face and go on with whatever life's plan is. Trying to be strong when im not kills me. This tough girl image cant be broken now. I have to be strong because if im not strong, life is gonna screw me over and move on.

In the sacred words of The Killers, 'Its only natural'. 

Isnt it?

See you never, CIE!

GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE CIE!

I didnt think getting my results would feel so awesome. I feel grown up. Now anyone and everyone stuck in the CIE phase seems like a kid. Friend from a grade below seems like a child. I have unleashed the college spirit inside my self. 

And i feel fucking awesome.
I feel like Fawkes from Harry Potter. New life. Reborn.

Life's good. Its good-er when you cant believe it yourself.. And its good-est when the first people to congratulate you are those who never believed in you.

Reality.

The past year and a half has been wonderful for me. I had made a promise to myself to regain everything that i had lost. My self-esteem, friends, my sisters love and most of all my parents' trust. And as i stand here today, i feel like all the progress I've made has gone to waste.

I never understood how i got to the point where my honesty would be doubted. But as with all things, it happened in a flash. Remembering it is always like looking through a kaleidoscope. Every turn and every angle of new light causes the reality to change.

The guilt eats you up even when you're not wrong. And because you've wronged the people you love before, your apologies and honestly mean nothing now. Life falls into place eventually, but never does the love come back the way it was. 

I cant help but think that the next 4 years I will be the only one controlling my life and yet I wont be in control. Even though my kaleidoscope will have new colors but a few old ones will always catch a light and look the same as before. 

Reality is only reality when you shut yourself to the prospects of parallels. Every reality is different. Its just a matter of how i want to look at mine at this point in time.

But nothing would ever be the same as before. 

Not me, not them and definitely not my reality.

On this rock I will build my church

The reason why im writing this is uncertain. 

Everyone goes through this phase that i am going through - atleast thats what ive been told.

With my last month at home starting, leaving family and friends behind and entering a new sphere of university life and amidst many things words cant explain.. Life's coming at me fast. 

My world is sort of in the middle of a natural disaster, it one i CAN avoid, but im just avoiding the avoidance.

Sometimes when life hits you hard, you need time to brace yourself for the blow. If you dont hold on tight you might just end up like a that cow that flew into that hurricane in the movie Twister. When i see myself not strong enough to hold on, i remember that cow that flew off.

Im not that cow. Thats what i need to remind myself everyday. Life doesnt end on heartbreaks and leaving people behind. 

Motto for this month. No crying over anything. Be it family, friends or lovers.